My first job out of college had me out the door by 7am the latest, but home by 5pm the latest so if I needed a little nap because I stayed up past midnight, then it wasn’t that big of a deal.  My second job, at the precinct, was great in the sense that I worked wacky hours so my body naturally conformed to the weird sleeping schedule with ease.  Even my current job wasn’t initially that much of an issue, in the beginning.  I work Monday through Friday, 8:30am to 4:30pm.  Not bad at all, very typical.  But I have noticed that as the years have gone on, I’m getting tired so much earlier than my body had been so accustomed to.  5 years ago staying up till midnight wouldn’t have been an issue at all for me.  Now, I’m 29 years old and I’m exhausted and ready to relax in my Sleep by Number bed by 10:30pm.

And by the way, how is it that my nearly 37 year old husband has no problems staying up that late on a consistent basis?!?!  Very annoying.  damn young soul.

What is up with me?  Sometimes I think it’s my body’s reaction to me almost turning 30.  But then my husband is on his way to turning 40 and he’s during circles around me on in the energy department.  I have more responsibilities now then I did 5 years ago, but even that doesn’t quite explain it because I find it all very enjoyable.

I think I need to find my middle ground.  Any suggestions?

Now that I’m married and have my own little family, the concept of family hasn’t changed all that much for me.  My friends back in the day who really helped me and showed me the love and support that I needed are still very much apart of my life.  My family who wasn’t exactly there for me when I needed them, well, they still aren’t.  But you know what, I think it’s all for the best.  I do believe that things happen for a reason and while it may really stink during the journey to get there, the end result is the way it was meant to be.

Ending – A family truly is what you want it to be.  A family is not just biological.  A family grows in your heart and is always there when you need them to be.  It’s that special feeling inside your heart and gut that tells you that no matter what, to those people you allow in your life, they will love you just as much as you love them.  That’s a good feeling, beyond biology.

The pace of life here feels as if the intensity has been turned down. People seem to rush less, savor life a little bit more.

How wonderful is that?  I agree, life should be a bit less intense, less of a rush and life should be savored a bit more.  Well, a lot more.  I love to travel.  Really LOVE to travel.  I wish I (a) had the disposable time and (b) had the disposable income needed to afford to travel more.  I also wish I could cook and bake more.  It’s hard baking at home when we have the kids.  They often want to help, which really translates into hinder for me.  The job gets done but I feel rushed, or if Mike keeps the kid out of my hair I end up feeling guilty that I wasn’t spending time with them when I was cooking.  I also would like to cook more.  Since I met Mike I have experimented more with cooking and I know that I’ve expanded my culinary repertoire 100 times over, but I feel like I should be trying more.  I don’t like to experiment with cooking for a large group of people, however if I do cook for Mike and I we are left with an abundance of leftovers, some of which we may not eat before it gets spoiled, which seems like a waste.

The great thing about the internet is the endless amount of people out there who not only want to share there thoughts, but also they’re kick ass recipes too.  I love food blogs.  I especially love how people post picture of their culinary creations next to the step by step instructions.  Very helpful.  That has always been my biggest gripe about cook books, a vast majority of the recipes in the book don’t have a picture of what it’s supposed to look like.  I like to know what I’m getting into before I dive right in.  Food blogs are the answers to my prayers.  I heart them.

Ok, enough about food and blogging.  On to what I want to accomplish this year.  I don’t tend to make New Years resolutions, mostly because I usually fail to keep to my resolution.  So, I figured I’ll make “conscious efforts” this year instead.  Those would be:

• To blog more, the past 3 years of blog posts have been pitiful to say the least
• To not be so about the technology in front of the kids.  Already it’s proving to be hard with my cell phone, but it’s something that I do feel is necessary, and I’m pretty confident the world won’t stop revolving if I don’t respond to a text message within 30 seconds of receiving it.
• Explore.  Traveling is hard in this economy.  Oh sure you can get some great deals on quick getaways or vacations, but if you don’t have the disposable income to throw into going somewhere, guess traveling abroad is out of the question for me at the moment.  But, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t check out what’s to be seen on Long Island, New York State, New England, ect.  When we go see friends in New England, we don’t have to confined to just being at their home.  Nothing stopping us from taking in the views from Mansfield Hollow in Connecticut while heading up to Boston.
• Learn French.  Or at least take it more seriously this year.  Last year I made a big deal to my mom that I wanted Rosetta Stone in French, it’s expensive as all hell and it’s been sitting on a shelf since last March.  **Shakes head**

So, I have a bit to work on.  I should get to it.

December 3, 2011

It’s official.  I’m a married woman.  See, got the photo to prove it.  No longer just the girlfriend, lover, fiance… now I’m the wife and mother.  Kinda cool.  I’ll take it.  2011 is coming to a close.  What a crazy year.  It is true what they say, you go through so much stress and preparation for the “big day” and it flies by at the blink of an eye.  I loved my wedding and I believe everyone had a good time.  I love my husband and absolutely love and adore my step-son’s.  They rock.  Since Mike and I first started dating I really haven’t blogged very much.  That has to change.  I like blogging.  I can actually be interesting at times.  Even funny and witty.  At the peak of my blogging I know I had a bunch of followers checking daily.  I still get lots of hits on certain posts years later.  So, my New Years Resolution for 2012 is to blog more.  And, maybe even try to get Mike to join in on the fun.  Happy New Year and here’s to a happy and healthy 2012.  <3 Tara

I’m sorry that it takes a major life altering event to compell me to post again.  I know I need to do it more often.  I think that this is a turning point and I will start it up again.  I hope.

Oh deal Lord, this is a difficult time.  I feel compationate towards my mother, it’s a difficult position to be on for her.  She is a good person, and a great, loving daughter, to a person that kind of doesn’t deserve it.  Honestly, she is a better person than I am in the sense that I couldn’t’ be so loving and devoted towards a person that tried to kill my child.  But she is.  She is taking the death, or impending death of her mother, very hard.

(Ok, back story… back in April 2004 my grandmother attempted to stab me with a butcher’s knife.  Luckily I wasn’t in my bedroom when she busted through the door with said knife… Long story short I had her arrested (because it’s beyond fucked up that you’re so mentally ill that you’re going to try to stab your own granddaughter for no good reason expect she told you to fuck off when you were being an irrational bitch towards her) and got an OOP for her to stay the hell away from me for a year… then in August of 2007 she had a stroke which paralyzed her voice box and the entire right side of her body so she had to go live in a nursing home.  Yeah… karma much?…)

Alas, my grandmother is taking her time with dying.  And I can’t imagine that it’s peaceful.  It all started on Sunday, 4/10.  I got a call from my mother that my grandmother was spiking a 105F fever and had to be rushed to the hospital from her nursing home.  They stared to talk to my mother about DNR paperwork… not good.  A week later… she has been moved to palliative care, officially diagnosed with a kidney stone that they can’t remove due to the actual procure to remove it would be deadly to my grandmother, is in renal failure, starting in respiratory failure and is clearly dying.

My uncle Johnny, who lives in Massapequa and is only 10 mins drive away, has been there a grand total of 3 times, all less than an hour or so.  I’ve been there nearly every day.  My uncle Joey, who’s in NC, refuses to come up unless she is dead.  And, he respectfully asks that we hold off on a funeral until next week, since he doesn’t want to disrupt his vacation.  Yeah… good times!

I have a weird family.

Mike is awesome.  He really is.  I love him.  This has been an emotioanl time for me as well.  I offically forgave my evil granny for trying to kill me.  Honestly, I wouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t literally dying.

She is taking a long time to die.  Why?  Who knows…. On the compassionate end I want her to die to end her suffering, because it’s clear from her facial expressions that she’s dying.  On the empathetic side, I want her to die so that my mother isn’t suffering any longer as I can only imagine how she feel’s now.  On the selfish side I want her to die so I can use my bereavement time.  I know, fucked up thinking… but hello?  She did try to kill me.  And I want it all to end sooner than later so as to not disrupt too much of my aunt and uncle’s vacation.

Death is a strange, hurtful, confusing, thing, isn’t it?

I’ll try to remember to update this thing more in 2009.